That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
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[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed