Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?

I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks

Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]

Me: Don’t move!

Toddler: [sits on spill]

The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.

I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.

After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.

Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.

Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.

I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless

My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”

Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic

3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in

Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.

love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here

Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.

January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.

So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”

“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.

the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray

After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one

Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.

Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.

Therapist: still on the first card.

Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.

Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.

Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness

Me: lying on my resume probably

you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser

The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.

Me: I want you inside of me.

Him: Wow.

Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?

Him: Why are you like this?

A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.

Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.

Lesson: Do not ask me for advice

Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.

Meal prep ✔️

*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*

Okay, weigh me now.