That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
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We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Super Hand Dog Face
Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
I am HOWLING at this
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*