That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
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I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
[Arriving in Hell]
*Satan hands me a phone where every app has notifications but no matter how many times I try to clear them the red dots just won’t go away*
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.