Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.

temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now

a dragon: i see

I accidentally bump into a man.

He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”

I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.

My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.

I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.

DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.

ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.

before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule

I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”

Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”

can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”

Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter

If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.

Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about

[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!

[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right

Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire

Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?

GERG: She licked ur donut?

JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!

GERG: gross!

JERY: she also said she “hates america”

GERG: Donut licking traitor!

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight

after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen

I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.

Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.

“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”

Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.

I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom

If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?

Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??

Octopus:

ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?

[speed dating]

Her: Nice to meet you

Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION

As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.

I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….

*checks notes*

…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?