that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
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Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Cats are so graceful and light-footed.
[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.