That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
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It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.
Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.
They didn’t planet that way.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE