Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.

No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.

I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.

If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.

Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”

Me: ”Yes!”

Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”

Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”

Me: this pot sucks

Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast

My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.

All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

No one:

My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude

There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything

Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.

Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!

My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?

(Art Museum)

Me:*sees nature painting*

*pulls out sharpie*

*draws sun in the top left corner*

My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice

You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessert

They would throw the box away while I walked the dog.

You’d think wrong.

Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.

My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.

How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence

I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paper

and cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliances

forgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes

Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.

I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom

I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.

no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big

touring apartments is so funny bc sometimes you know the answer is no as soon as the door opens and you gotta pretend like you kinda interested as you see the rest of the place omg

Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you

Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.

My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them

BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?

I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad