That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
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[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.