that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Spring cleaning checklist…
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
