Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …

*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now

Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.

JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees

I never know how much to tip a cow.

Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.

*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*

Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.

On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?

“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”

“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”

With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.

Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal

The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted

2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY

I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.

You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessert

They would throw the box away while I walked the dog.

You’d think wrong.

“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”

When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.

I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.

Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.

My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.

“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”

I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.

Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.

employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears

ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA

Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?

Because you can’t C in the dark.

my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”

Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.

*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs

I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.