Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.

Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!

[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]

HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??

My mom: [sighs]

🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!

[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*

Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist

Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.

My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.

I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.

[kung fu fight]

“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”

*starts lifting heavy building materials*

I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.

I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.

There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.

Them: You’re hot.

Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?

explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is

saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face

like last october and the one before that gotta go to human resources for talking in dracula

Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.

stop

I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.

My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.

Body by Oreos

As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.

OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.

I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.

One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony

*Texting*

HIM: Do you have any snacks?

ME: In my panty.

H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”

M: Nope.

Leia: I love you.

Han: I know.

[gets frozen in carbonite]

[two years pass]

[gets unfrozen]

Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: 24 glasses of milk

Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?

Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag

Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.

fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.