That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
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My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.