That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
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Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Twitter is like a mental hospital where everyone thinks they are the only sane person and everyone else is crazy.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
thoughts?
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.