You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
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I’m not high! – high people
I’m not drunk! – drunk people
I’m not lying! – lying people
I’m not gay! – my brother
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Went out to dinner last night & the hostess asked me “Where would you like to sit?” I replied “preferably on a seat.” #accomplished
what do i do next
[in the future]
Him: Hindsight is-
Her: don’t say it, you know that’s illegal now
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Pal: On your date, go to a French restaurant. And remember! Girls love a wine connoisseur.
Me: we’ll both have the wine connoisseur