That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
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*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”