That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
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9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Velcrow
