That seems a conundrum…
🤔
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Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
For if I die before I wake
I pray the third Paul Blart they make.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
I cannot call her anything else now
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*