Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit

me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better

cop: you need to maintain the speed limit

me: *knocks book out of cops hands*

cop: are you trying to get arrested

me: yes please

A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.

The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.

The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.

I’m starring in a new movie, in theaters now!

With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.

*Pages stick together

I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.

[smallpox]

Only 1890’s kids will get this

Wife: How was work?

Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into

W: I despise you

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up

I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese

Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters

Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s

Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.

Frozen french fry bag: Heat to an internal temperature of 160°f

Me: k, I’ll check for sure

If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv

It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house

You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears

[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework

[First day working in an optometrists]

Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.

Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?

Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol

Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single

Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar

My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.

Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis

Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.

“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date

Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.

something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care

Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…

Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree