That seems a conundrum…
🤔
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Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Aw man, but that’s the best part
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs