That seems a conundrum…
🤔
You Might Also Like
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Beware of the dog..
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire
Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.