Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?

Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away

I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.

If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.

Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?

FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ

cop: what happened?

librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks

coo: how’d he do that?

librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket

Nice to finally get back that hour they stole earlier this year.

OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”

Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷‍♀️

The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.

Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?

“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks

Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.

Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.

Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.

‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,

you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.

“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”

[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo

Me: *making a snow angel*

Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor

[blind date]

HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic

ME: Vincent van…go on

It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.

Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.

Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie

Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses

I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…

Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”

Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.

Me: That tree is impeckable

“Don’t you mean impeccable?”

*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*

Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?

Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?

Rick Astley: *tearing up*

Me: oh no

I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.

Dr: do you know why you gained weight?

*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*

Me: no, better run some tests

Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.