Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”

From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”

My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.

But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?

this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks

One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is

If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.

When your teen is already bigger than you are…

Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.

Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics

all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second

My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.

I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.

“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.

So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.

In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.

I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is

*comes home drunk

*sleeps on floor

The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.

“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”

GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.

MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong

*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*

The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works

In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.

I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records

Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.

When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute

{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}

me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT

Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.