“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
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Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
🏙👨🏼
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”