“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
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you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
My dog ate my work from home.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
the world’s most popular steaming services
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.