That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
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The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
had my yearly physical and the dr signed me up for flu & covid vaccine and i had to tell her no & explain i am not an antivaxer i just always get my covid shot the night before the phillies have an afternoon playoff game so i can use my vaccine pto to stay home from work to watch
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Me when I hear gossip
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
🐟✨ #re4
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands