When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
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FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*