That awkward moment when you are introduced to someone and you have no idea if that person is their child or their spouse.
That show Scrubs is bullshit. Not one person in this hospital joined in my song and dance number.
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Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Cow it started Cow it’s going