@RobElliottComic

That show Scrubs is bullshit. Not one person in this hospital joined in my song and dance number.

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@BooFricketyHoo

That awkward moment when you are introduced to someone and you have no idea if that person is their child or their spouse.

@notacroc

[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*

@daemonic3

“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively

@MatCro

IAN: I broke my leg once

ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]

THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE

@TheAlexNevil

*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?

@thelateinnings

[birthday party]

*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*

me: *dejectedly puts down fork*

@pro_worrier_

My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.

Same girl, same.

@bridger_w

When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”