My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
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What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Not today.. 😂
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low