That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
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My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
I got a job as a bullet
They fired me immediately
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV