That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
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*child becomes teenager*
Me: is it too late to rethink having children
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
OH. COME. ON.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
earlier I was standing in a queue to get into a show with my producer and she pointed at someone and said, “that’s Gerard Butler” and I sort of did a friendly wave at him, because I didn’t know who Gerard Butler was and I thought he was maybe one of her friends
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex