That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
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COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
What the hell is going on?
A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
when she block me on everything
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie