That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
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HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said
If you casually mention at the reference desk that this morning’s been pretty quiet so far, library staff will react as though you just screamed Macbeth at the top of your lungs seventeen times in a theater.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Dishonest mechanic?
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.