Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band

I just walked into the garage barefoot and my husband said “will you please go put on shoes? For heaven’s sake, you sleep in those feet!” And I’m so confused.

PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine

ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny

PHYSICIST: Not that many

I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.

I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?

I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.

I bet Wile E. Coyote went near suicidal when he discovered DoorDash after spending millions on delivery for ACME products.

ME: are those new shoes?

HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…

ME: *tearing up* yes?!?

HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how

Everyone thinks they will be the first person in history to maintain their dignity while posting online.

Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.

I just had a near death experience

Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT

I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.

I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.

*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*

Repeat

Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.

Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy

Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology

My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today

Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?

Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!

B: here’s your coffee. $12.32

M: thank you

go easy on yourself <3

The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.

I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.

Okay, Hello Kitty.

Fine. Miss Piggy.

Ursula.

Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food

Son: Teach me to fight

Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*

[later]

Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground

Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him

Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows

Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”

The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.

I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.

Me: Wanna have sex?

Wife: With you or in general?

old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame

The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.

Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.

Me: I don’t think this is going to work

Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people

M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under