That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
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* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
#polloftheday
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy