Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.

We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.

Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!

Never deleting this app.

My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor

him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?

[First Date]

No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.

[Second Date]

*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*

Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.

My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.

I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.

Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems

Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now

When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready

Me *putting honey on toast*

Son: do you know bees make that?

Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot

[Later]
Date: tell me something interesting

Me: bees make toast

I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.

Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

I’m locked out. Come let me in.

Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”

It’s called TALL, you little shit.

Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.

(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?

Slave: I know a way to escape

Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.

According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.

I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it

i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me

(at the pearly gates)

St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it

Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:

LINCOLN

Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”

I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.

I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.

me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything

her: sure

me: why

yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days

If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs

I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.

Someone just called me a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.