– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.
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If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
You want me to go apple picking? The original sin???
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?