– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.
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*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Mountain Goat : )
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?