Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.

There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture

i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that

The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.

If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.

we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy

Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese

The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.

[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?

{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.

Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.

I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders

Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.

You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.

A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.

~ Peter Pan

I believe it was Aristotle who once said “The fastest way to get you kids to stop screaming is to also start screaming.”

This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…

There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.

There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.

Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.

*finds baby on doorstep*

Me: Should…should we keep it?

Wife: …Let’s sleep on it

Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him

Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?

Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all

#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”

I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night

I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”

Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”

*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”

“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”

-my wife

“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.

Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.

My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome