Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[working at prison coffee shop]

I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business

Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it

I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.

Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro

I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.

I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros

Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”

why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too

Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home

We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.

Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”

I am laughing way too hard at this.

Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?

Me: can I go to the bathroom?

Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting

Me: so that’s a yes?

I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.

I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.

I’m seeing someone new, and we’re at the stage where it’s all sunshine and lollipops and he hasn’t seen me eat a quesadilla like a hungry dinosaur at 2am.

5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.

Me: So?

5-year-old: My life is falling apart.

oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*

Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar

Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos

Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?

Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.

Keith: Shut it.

Me: can I get a breakfast burrito

Waiter: no breakfast after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs

Waiter: no eggs after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken

Waiter: sur—

Me: —pre born

Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?

Me: So when a man and a woman…

If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.

Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever

[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.

My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.

You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances