that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
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Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
[montage of me giving-up]
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.