Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?

Medusa: absolutely not

Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless

[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box

Cats are still liquid.

My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u

when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost

Captain: Did you break the sonar again?

Me: Yessir. I’m sorry

Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings

*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.

Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.

I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.

Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.

DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.

ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.

[swimming pool]

me: do you have family changing facilities?

clerk: yes we do

me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife

I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?

Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*

Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.

I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.

*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama

Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?

-Asking for a friend.

Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.

(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?

Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.

Ridiculous. He should be in jail

80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.

I put the “pro” in inappropriate

Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look