Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.

A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.

Veteran Parent Tip:

Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house

Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!

Wife: I don’t like where this is going.

Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.

Wife: I’ll be at the bar

If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.

I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.

friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?

fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying

The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.

There’s only one good girl here!

[tsunami approaching]

guy: RUN

me: wait why is the T silent

I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…

I don’t even know where Kardashia is.

(geography’s not my strong suit)

A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends

“Have you forgotten your password?”

Fish: 😔

You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.

If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.

hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register

I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.

turtles are just lizards who work in construction

Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.

Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you

If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.

[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.

Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.

Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.

My heart hurts when you’re not around

*buuurrrrpp*

Never mind

[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here

My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff

i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea

So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.

Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼‍♀️😂