that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
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Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Fiction has to make sense.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭