that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
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Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.