That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
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Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Snack for election night!
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
I’m listening
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Message from teachers: no clubs this week
Message from club coordinator: no clubs this week
Email AND text message from school: no clubs this week
School electronic sign: no clubs this week
Number of parents who asked if there were clubs this week: not zero
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?