That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
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Breaking news:
Cow it started Cow it’s going
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.