That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
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Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?
me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Whoa 😂
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
[Flirting]
I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.