That stupid look on my face, is my face
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Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.