“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
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I don’t think I could be Spider-Man because I hate it when my fingers are all sticky.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
FRED: right
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
No flush
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…