“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
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ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”