That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
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I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
So my husband grew up on a rural cattle farm, and later became a massive history buff.
He recently decided to invest hours of research into tracing his family line all the way back to 15th century Sweden:
— where they were all rural cattle farmers.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!