That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
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Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
smh
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.