That sweet loving feeling when your kids have been asleep for a couple of hours, the house is quiet, and then you hear one of them get up to pee and you’re certain that not an ounce of urine is actually landing inside the toilet
You Might Also Like
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt