That sweet loving feeling when your kids have been asleep for a couple of hours, the house is quiet, and then you hear one of them get up to pee and you’re certain that not an ounce of urine is actually landing inside the toilet
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Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
What to do when threatened by a bear:
1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Guy at the airport bar is hitting on my gf directly next to me and i can finally watch youtube videos with both headphones on now that shes occupied
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.