That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
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ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does