That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
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KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
All my life lessons were learned by watching people who took my advice.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
a realtor showing you an absolutely unusable space in a house: how cool is that?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.