That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
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I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown