“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I’m a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
does anyone know the password to my work computer? or how to do my job?
respect
Not all heroes wear capes…
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
