“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Fight
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
