“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
It’s Monday, but at what cost?
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
