That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
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Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
I don’t call them exes, I call them whys
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.