Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?

My kid: I’m not sure

Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?

My kid: I need more time to think

Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!

Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?

Roman: Just the one, thanks

My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.

Him: no one will steal your identity that way

Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that

If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”

FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom

Sitting here eating blueberries

wondering if my brain is improving

Doubt it…..

took too long to spell doubt

I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.

I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.

EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs

[Star Wars Episode VII scene]

Princess Leia: I love you Han.

Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*

cop: what happened?

librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks

coo: how’d he do that?

librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket

The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.

I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.

Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.

I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.

my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote

Me: I’m not paranoid.

Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?

I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.

“Alex is visiting later tonight.”

Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?

[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.

Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.

Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.

Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…

me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35

him: on what?

me: more books

him: if you’re going to read them

me: …that’s not the point

[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.

“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit

This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.

[Origins…]

BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?

ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?

When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.

Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.

~me as a motivational speaker