That time a cat set off an atomic bomb in my coffee
You Might Also Like
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.
Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Me: this would be better without the raisins in it
Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup