That time a cat set off an atomic bomb in my coffee
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My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Godspeed, John Glenn
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?