That time a cat set off an atomic bomb in my coffee
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when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Boss: you’re late
Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court
Boss: I hate you
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Erm I’m gonna say no
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason