That time Alicia messaged me
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There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos